5 Thoughts on Loss and Pain

My goal is not to be a “Debby Downer” today.  Actually, my desire is to do the complete opposite.  I hope some of my reflections inspire you and even encourage you in some of the challenges you face.  One thing is for sure...life is full of challenges.

Over the past ten months I have faced every emotion I can think of.  At least, I think so...but now we are getting into some deep philosophy that probably only interests me...so let me get back to where I was.  The last six years I have experienced some great moments of joy and at the same time have walked in seasons of pain and hardship.  The season of pain has been eerily marked by six different surgeries.  Each surgery provided its own unique challenges and unique recoveries.  The latest of which has been the most difficult.

My ACI surgery (coupled with the Fulkerson Osteotomy) has not been the easiest surgery to recover from by any means.  The 5 weeks spent in bed and the hours spent sitting in my chair has been challenging physically, but also emotionally.  Knowing that life will have a new normal is part of the problem.  However, the time down has given me great time to ponder the implications of pain, loss, and grief.  Here are five things that I have learned, pondered, and even come to appreciate.

1. Balance - Pain, illness, injury...whatever you want to call it is exhausting.  I have regularly found myself feeling or wishing that I could do more to handle the demands of life, to help around the house, to play with the kids.  However, I have come to understand that even some of the most simple and mundane things become quite difficult when dealing with the stress of pain and illness.  Not only does the physical pain see-saw back and forth...so do your emotions.  I found it normal to watch my emotions go back and forth from negative thoughts to positive thoughts and back again in a matter of minutes.

In these moments it is helpful and very important to manage your energy well.  Knowing that the stress of injury, illness, or pain drains your energy tank is a critical piece to the puzzle.  Thus, you have to manage your energy wisely. Find things or people that bring you energy and avoid tasks and even people that drain energy. Make sure you to-do list is reasonable and don’t push your self beyond your energy level or you will pay for it!

2. Don’t let your injury or pain win - There have been moments that I have felt like succumbing to the pain or my identity as the guy with knee issues.  Even spending time with good friends the conversation easily moves towards talking about my issues, my recovery, my pain as though there is nothing else to talk about.  Don’t allow this to be come the new normal.  Focus your conversations and help lead others to talk about the many other interesting things that help make you.

3. Talk with others who have been there before - Even with six surgeries over the past six years I had never gone through a prolonged season of being in pain.  If you are anything like me...you probably haven’t either.   In preparation for my last surgery knowing that the pain would be tremendous and the time laid up would be lengthy I sought out several people that had walked through similar hardships.  These people gave me great information, understanding, advice, and ecnouragement.  All of these things helped create for a foundation that would help me persevere through the challenges of surgery and rehab.  The shared experiences showed me I wasn’t alone in this journey...which trust me is a nice reminder.

4. Don’t isolate yourself - When I am in pain and nursing an injury I find it easy to isolate myself from activity, people, etc.   Bed rest also made it extremely easy to isolate myself and to spend time watching TV (not mentioning the pain meds).  I think part of this is normal based on circumstances.  However, fight through it.  Ask people to visit and to bring your favorite milk shake from time to time (Mexican food was helpful too).  Watch things that are uplifting and that don’t add weight to your already shaken emotions.  And when possible...get out of the house.  Going to church and even a restaurant helped me feel normal again.

5. See the bigger picture - I have come to recognize that without pain and hardship I would never come to know God as my Comforter.  2 Corinthians 1, tells us that in times of trial and in times of hardship, when we turn to God for answers and help He will be there and will be our Comforter.  If we were to live life without pain, then we would never get to fully experience God for all that He is; without pain there is no need to be comforted.  If this be true, then for us to truly mature and to become Christ like we must have periods of pain in our life!  Thus, pain in the long run really is a blessing, because it is in our pain that we get to see and experience God.

Another Random Update

Today, I am at 9.5 weeks post-op.  I have been a little hesitant to post anything lately because the progress is very slow.  The knee is still a little swollen, the scar is healing nicely, my pain is manageable, and I am still in need of crutches to get around.

When it comes to the pain...I would never classify the knee as feeling awesome, but it does feel a lot better than it use to.  If I am honest, my progress seems to be moving at a glacial pace...the small increases in my ROM seems hardly enough material to write a blog about.  However, for your own boredom I will keep on keeping on!!!

Yesterday, brought some more progress.  I have slowly lowered the seat on the bike to help increase my range of motion.  I only have three more notches until my seat is all the way down.  I road for another 15 minutes yesterday.  It did take a few minutes until the knee warmed up so that I could actually make a full revolution.  Over the entire 15 minutes I set a new record for distance traveled.  I rode bike a total of .59 miles over 15 minutes.  Being a former competitive rider...It is hard to believe that I am celebrating such a small milestone on the bike...but you have to look at the little things.

I am getting more use to the brace everyday.  I did try to take a step around the car door this week with out the use of my crutches.  It was such a small distance I decided to give it a go.  Let's just say that if it wasn't for the brace and the car being so close to me I would have been flat on my face.  I am still not ready to walk unassisted yet.  Monday brings some more changes and more to share.

Stylin in my new brace!

This week has been a real test for the knee (8.5 weeks).  I attended a conference for the last three days which meant a lot of time on my feet and walking from session to session.  The time out of the house and the new routine proved to bring some great relief to the soul but a little more pain to the knee.  I also got really good at giving the short and modified story of what happened to everyone that had the nerve to ask me why I was on crutches.  Even though the extended time on my feet brought pain...it was all worth it!!!

The good news of the day is that I finally got my brace.  At least I think so...I mean, I think it is mine.  I took Aaron with me this afternoon to have a little father/son time.  As the tech assistant was opening the box holding my brace I asked Aaron what color he thought my brace would be.  He thought about for a minute and shrugged his shoulders.  With great enthusiasm in my voice and without hesitation, I told him it was black!  That was when I heard a the little voice of the tech assistant say..."Silver."

"What?" I questioned.

"It's silver.  Isn't that what you ordered?" she asked.

Evidently, the order was black, the order sheet also showed that it was suppose to be black.  But what we got...was silver.  I guess God thought I needed a little more bling in my life.  After convincing the tech to not send it back (I can't afford another week waiting for a new brace) we finally moved on to the fitting.  Here is a look at what the unloader brace looks like.

This view of the brace shows how the unloader brace actually works.  There are different numerical settings that correspond to the amount of pressure that gets placed on knee.  The pressure point is placed on the opposite side of where the relief is needed (the higher the number the greater the pressure).  In my case the pressure point is on the outside of my knee.  I will leave it in the second position because I have damage on both sides of the knee and we don't want to damage the outside of the knee trying to unload the inside of the knee.  The reason for having the brace is because the damage and the patch on the inside of my knee is so large...it should help that section of the knee have a better chance of healing.

The knee still continues to be slightly swollen- Swollen enough that I still have no real contours in the knee joint.  The best part of it is that my knee no longer looks like a watermelon, but more like a grapefruit.  The outside of the knee is still quite numb, but I guess that is normal.  I am enjoying my time working on ROM on the stationary bike.  I pretty much have no problems getting full rotation.  That means tomorrow I get to lower the seat and work on getting another full circle once again.  The most time I can spend on the bike is about 15 minutes before the pain gets to be too much.  Besides the bike I do some straight leg raises and that is really about all.  I can't wait until I hit a few more weeks and can begin walking exercises.

At least it is March Madness!!!  Go Kentucky!!!

Not this week...

I was planning to update everyone with my stylish looking brace today...but there is no brace.  I have been waiting all week to hear back from the doctor that my brace had arrived.  After waiting around until Thursday afternoon I decided to give the office a call to see what was going on.  What I found out is that the brace was just ordered on Wednesday due to slow insurance approval.  That means I have to wait another week to get my unloader brace. Now, don't get me wrong.  I am not super excited to wear another brace for a few months.  However, the brace will allow me to introduce a little more weight into the joint.

The bike work (ROM) is going well.  After slowly warming up the knee I have finally made a full rotation on the bike at a speedy rate of 15sec/rotation for 15 minutes.  At fifteen minutes it is time to fall off the bike and ice.  That's about all right now.

Week 7 Update

As I write, I find it hard to believe that 7 weeks have already come and gone.  The time has gone by slow and as I read other blogs about the recovery process I am constantly reminded that my case is the extreme.  Most other ACI patients are walking unassisted or very close to walking unassisted by now.  I still have another 5 weeks of using crutches.

Lately, nothing earth-shattering has really happened...unless you have gone to the gas pumps lately.  The amount of money that it takes to fill up my little corolla about makes me pass out.  I should at least be driving a nice truck or SUV for that kind of money.  Any how...I am still making some progress.

• I am still working on ROM.  Now that there is no CPM I use our exercise bike and slowly make half-moon revolutions.  That means I don't even make a full rotation, so don't get too excited about my progress.  Riding a bike is still a long ways away.
•  The last few days I have actually gotten out quite a bit.  I have made to my first restaurant in 7 weeks, I hobbled around church this weekend, I took my son to a birthday party, and I actually made it back for a full day at the office yesterday.
• I think I pushed myself a little hard over the weekend.  Sunday night I had a real hard time sleeping due to pain in the knee.  Yesterday, I sat in the lazy-boy at the office and rested as I worked.  Thus, last night was a better night.

I am still waiting to hear from the Doctor's office as to when my new brace will be ready.  When I get the new brace on I will be able to introduce 25% of my body weight to my leg.  Every little bit counts.  Lastly, the scar continues to heal nicely.  Here is a look at the scar at 7 weeks:

Doctor Visit #2- 6 weeks

I received some good news today visiting the Doc.  But let me add a little drama to the blog before we get  to that part of the appointment.

The last couple of days have been great.  All I can say is, "NO CPM!"The feeling of adding 6-8 hours of time back into your day is wonderful.  I feel like I have so much time to get things done that I couldn't do or was pushed by time to get done.  I have been able to do more work from home, talk with the kids more, and even read more (actually I have read 1000 pages in the last three days).  I had some catching up to do.

Moving forward...today has been the day I have been anticipating for the last two weeks: Follow-up #2.  Before we left for my appointment I was a little nervous.  I was afraid that the doctor would be disappointed in my ROM, or the swelling around my knee, or something else that I never thought of doing.  With some small butterflies in my stomach we loaded the kids and me into the van like usual; me scooting back on my butt while Melissa slowly holds my leg until I get into place.  We first headed over to my in-laws to drop of the kids with their grandmother and then we were off to see the "Wizard."

Fairly quickly after arriving to the doctor's office we were escorted back to our holding tank.  While crutching to the back of the office I noticed the office staff all looking at me...to which I responded in my best Mr. T impression..."What you lookin' at fool?"  No, not really but I thought about it.  Anyways, as I was saying...I was crutching to my holding tank when all of a sudden I got a few comments about how cool my crutches were.  I must say they are pretty cool and it is even more impressive to receive such high praise in an orthopedic doctor's office.  Incase you missed it...here is a quick reminder of how cool my crutches really are:

Impressed aren't you???

After sitting in my holding tank just a few minutes Dr. Tarlow made his way into the room.  The moment I have been waiting for was finally here.  He asked me to remove my gargantuan brace so he could have a quick look.  He then proceeded to check my knee cap, feel around the osteotomy, look at my scar, and lastly pick up my leg to check stiffness and ROM.  To my amazement he told me everything look great and that he was impressed at how well I was doing...the swelling looked great and my ROM was awesome.  One more test...it was time to get an ex-ray to see if the Osteotomy had fully healed.  Good news...the bone had healed about 95%  The only part left was a small section at the base of the Osteotomy where the bone hadn't filled in.  Dr. Tarlow said that this was normal and that he was very pleased with my healing.

What does all that mean?  Here is basically what I was told...I no longer have to wear the immobilizer!  YEAH!  However, I was measured today for an unloader brace and will have to go pick it up next week when it arrives.  Secondly, I can bend my leg and drive again.  It was nice driving home from the doctor today.  The days of sitting in the back of the van facing the side windows are gone.  Furthermore, I can start following the PT protocol that is laid out for me in the Carticel book.  Doc told me I don't need to pay for PT unless I really want to...I have done a good enough job so far on my own that he trusts me to do what needs to be done.  I still have 5.5 week left of using my crutches but it feels nice to have made some major progress in the recovery process.  I still have lots to do and a lot of time in rehab...but progress is being made.

Glad things went well today.